Punk Ass: Biker, Zen Stress Monkey

Last Post

2008-03-24T15:09:00.002-04:00

I think it's more than obvious that I just don't have it in me to do this anymore.

I thank you all for visiting.

See you out there on the road somewhere......

PunkAss

Tuesday

2008-01-29T09:18:00.000-05:00

I wonder what kind of shaving cream Quentin Tarantino uses?

If

2008-01-23T08:23:00.000-05:00

If life is a sea otter, I wish it would find that rock in the sun......

Hello Again......

2008-01-21T13:51:00.000-05:00

So I was told in a dream that I was actually in the hospital, unconscious from a serious head injury...hmmmmmm....wonder if I really am.....

Beastly Digits

2007-10-26T09:13:00.000-04:00

So 666 is the number of the beast right? So how come the beast gets a number and no one else seems to? That hardly seems fair right? I mean whomever it is that's in charge of assigning these useless numbers has a pretty easy job or is just super lazy. He gives out one freekin' number then calls it a day and takes a 2000 year coffee break? Ya, gimme that job. And what good is the number anyway? Is it an area code or a dialing prefix? Is it a shelf location at the Home Despot? Is it a combo number at the Carl's Jr. drive thru? Well all I know is, it was a damn fine Iron Maiden album.....

System of a.....

2007-10-11T22:08:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you've all heard the urban myth about Bloody Mary, where you say her name three times in front of a mirror and she appears and kills you. Myself, I prefer the one about Serj Tankian where you say his name three times in front of a mirror and he appears and exfoliates you with his beard....

I know you going to try it aren't you.. ( yes Paul, I'm talking to you).

Hey, It's a job right?

2007-10-07T23:21:00.000-04:00

There's a little cafe attached to the toll booth on the bridge. I came here for a cup of coffee and ended up running the place. The job takes a certain kind of weakness, a certain flaw of character and I guess I just happened to fit the bill. I see the tortured souls come by, I pour their coffee and then they're on their way....

Friday

2007-10-05T10:24:00.000-04:00

You know it's kinda funny how if you change the title of the movie "The Never Ending Story" to " The Never Ending Penis" It really changes the whole feel of the thing.....

Just a few words......

2007-10-04T09:35:00.000-04:00

Ah yes, back from vacation..god I love the feeling of those first few hours back in the office where your brain is screaming "MAKE IT STOP!!"

Anyway, here's something to keep in your mental toolkit. If you ever need to give someone advice and really can't think of anything to say "Don't get a rash" is always a safe bet.

Now,don't say I never gave you anything...

2007-09-21T11:17:00.001-04:00

maybe

Am I hopeless....

2007-09-13T09:18:00.000-04:00

Faith. I have a real hard time with this one. Blindly abandoning yourself to something that may very well turn out to be wrong. And let's face it, no matter what you personally believe to be true, no one, NO ONE really knows anything for sure. In a way, I admire people who do have that kind of conviction; it probably makes them happier. At least they have a direction. This is not to say that I don't have things that I feel may be true, but I'm not so arrogant as to say "I Know" or " I'm Right". But, I wonder if these vague notions are enough . They certainly don't comfort me in times of trouble or keep me warm at night......

I'm going to let Rush's Neil Peart weigh in on this now 'cause I think he may be on to something:

I don't have faith in faith
I don't believe in belief
You can call me faithless
I still cling to hope
And I believe in love
And that's faith enough for me

I've got my own spirit level for balance
To tell if my choice is leaning up or down
And all the shouting voices
Try to throw me off my course
Some by sermon, some by force
Fools and thieves are dangerous
In the temple and market place

BDay Thoughts

2007-09-06T13:27:00.000-04:00

Birthdays are funny things. Some people hate'em, some people love'em. I fall somewhere in between. On the plus side, I love celebrating with people far and wide, loved and loathed. It's my day and it's a big deal to me damn it. I do however hate the thought of another year of my life going by, since there are really so very precious few of them. Time does make us wiser but it also makes us take more and more pills, ointments and assorted lubes and jellies.

Well whatever...I'm honestly in the best shape of my life so I'm gonna hang my hat on that for now and not look back too too often.....unless of course I feel like something is following me....again.....like that creepy slug...>shutter<.......

Hum?

2007-08-24T14:44:00.001-04:00

So, what did you listen to on the Fradio today?

2007-08-23T09:15:00.000-04:00

I've decided that I really think I'm totally pro-cyborg. That is, I'm all for mixing biological and mechanical parts. It would just make life so much easier.

Imagine if you will; you're going along through your day, just minding your own business when WHAM!! You suddenly develop a irrational fear of rectal thermometers or powdered toast or say George Michael. Well if you're stuck with a regular old brain, this will mean years of therapy and medication. BUT, if you have a cool new cyber-enhanced brain, you hook yourself up to super fun diagnostic tool, much like they do to your car when you bring it into the shop, you see that "Oh, my hypothalamus is shorting out again.....bugger!" You plug in your trusty solder gun and in five minutes, ZAP!! You're taking your temperature while listening to Careless Whisper like a champ. It's just sooooo much easier really......

Wednesday

2007-08-22T13:23:00.000-04:00

Sit just to sit. And why not sit? You have to sit sometime, and so you may as well really sit and be altogether here. Otherwise the mind wanders away from the matter at hand, and away from the present. Even to think through the implications of the present is to avoid the present moment completely.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

2007-08-17T15:22:00.000-04:00

What does the world need now? Love sweeeet love. Nah.. The world needs a natural predator for the human race introduced into the ecosystem (well, that and a HUGE f'ing enema). Yup, me thinks it's time to thin the heard a little bit so maybe, just maybe, I won't have to deal with assholes, morons, dweebs, douche bags, idiots, social retards, misanthropic illiterates, Visigoths, asshats, scum bags, fucknuts, sons of bitches, ingrates, jerks, losers, weenies, human stains, fuck faces, jugheads, dork wads, pricks, butt munches, slimes, sleazes, and sphincter on daily..no make that hourly basis. People just freekin' suck. Gaaaaaahhhhh!!

What brought this on? While I was out riding my bike last night, this genetic through back in the passenger seat of a jeep decided it would be fun and entertaining to harass me for a good 5 miles; trying to grab me as he and his buddy drove by, screaming as loud as he could while driving along side of me, pulling ahead of me and opening his door to try and hit me... Ya...I'm kinda pissed........

Just a Thought

2007-08-10T11:37:00.000-04:00

I'm sure that you've heard the expression "Idle hands are the devils' playthings" right? Personally I think an idle penis is the devils' asparagus. But hey, that's just me........

Duh?

2007-08-07T08:56:00.000-04:00

There's a bumper sticker on a car in the parking lot at work that I see every day that I just don't get. It says "Osama Bin Laden hates this car" to which is say "HUH? " I guess this confirms my suspicions that I am pretty dense. Could someone please explain this to me?

Yet Another

2007-08-02T09:27:00.001-04:00

What really chaps my ass is that talentless hag Meg White actually has a successful music career and I don't...Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

The Suckage

2007-08-01T13:53:00.000-04:00

I was just talking to some folks at work about a new guy that's starting here on Monday. Apparently he worked here back in '97 and was none to popular. Someone made the comment that he "Just sucks the joy out of a room". I thought to myself (as opposed to thinking to someone else), I wonder what one uses to do that; suck joy out. Is there some sort of apparatus? Is it a weird alien appendage that only people of this ilk have? And then there's the question of what do you do with the joy once the sucking is all done? Is this perhaps like a "Spit or Swallow" scenario?

New PunkAss Poll (Finally)

2007-07-31T15:49:00.000-04:00

Yes folks it is in fact true, after 45 years underground, a new Poll has emerged from its cocoon and is now buzzing annoyingly amongst us. Go say hello.......

Return of the Jedi

2007-07-30T13:44:00.000-04:00

Hey there, how's it goin'? Ya, It's been a while. What's that? Oh..right ..ya ..the summer's goin OK. What? Oh ya the blog..... well the long and the sort of it is, I just plain got burnt out and it became a chore so I took a break to recharge. But I'm back and ready to start posting again. So, I hope everyone is well and feeling all effervescent and sparkley and shit.

I'm gonna ease back in here with a quote that intrigued me from the Dilbert Blog:

http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/the-atheist-who.html

Can we ever be sure about anything in life?
Is a feeling of 99% certainty enough to say you "know" something? Or do you need to feel 99.9999999999% certain before you're willing to commit?
If you say you need to be 100% certain, you don't understand how human brains work. It's common for the human brain to be certain about things that later turn out to be completely false. It happens all the time, to everyone. If it has ever happened to you, then you know you can't trust your own powers of certainty.
This brings me to atheists. In order to be certain that God doesn't exist, you have to possess a godlike mental capacity – the ability to be 100% certain. A human can't be 100% certain about anything. Our brains aren't that reliable. Therefore, to be a true atheist, you have to believe you are the very thing that you argue doesn't exist: God.
Perhaps you will argue that being 99.999999% certain God doesn't exist is just as good as being 100% sure. That strikes me as bad math. As other philosotainers have famously noted, a small chance of spending eternity in Hell has to be taken seriously. Eternity is a long time.
Let me put this in perspective. You might be willing to accept a 10% risk of going skiing and getting hurt, but you wouldn't accept a 10% risk of a nuclear war. The larger the potential problem, the less risk you are willing to tolerate.
An eternity in Hell is the largest penalty there could ever be. So while you might not worry about a .00000000001% chance of ending up in Hell, you can't deny the math. .00000000001% of eternity is a lot longer than your entire mortal life. Infinitely longer.
I sometimes call myself an atheist because it's too hard to explain Spinoza's version of god. And it's too hard to explain that agnosticism is the only intellectually defensible position.
Are there any atheists out there?
[Update Bonus Question: What's the difference between a "weak atheist" and an agnostic? Don't both subscribe to uncertainty?]

Change is Good....

2007-06-12T09:38:00.000-04:00

We change the exterior landscape
We change our hair style
We change our interior landscape
Better living through chemistry

My Ass Is a Planet

2007-06-11T13:05:00.001-04:00

So I did something this weekend that I've never before done. Not even once. Ever. I sat down and broke a toilet seat. Yup, snapped that sucker right in two. Time to change my name to Ginormus Ass......

The root of all weirdness

2007-05-17T10:35:00.000-04:00

Money. It makes people weird. Most people have a strong aversion to talking about it like it's somehow connected to some intimate part of their soul. I really don't get it. Just try this, go ask 10 random people " So, how much do you make a year?" and you'll see what I mean. Personally I don't give a rats ass who knows how much I make. What difference does it manke? I've heard people say that knowing changes how people look at you. Really? I mean seriously?? What the fuck it THAT all about?

Thursday

2007-05-10T14:10:00.000-04:00

Get on to the bus
That's gonna take you back to Beelzebub
Get on to the bus
That's gonna make you stop going rub a dub

Sparkle and Shine

2007-05-09T09:46:00.000-04:00

There is nothing, NO-THING better than starting off the day by taking a shower in a tub that is clogged and still filled with the water from the last person who used it several hours ago. Man I just love that "coated in someone else's dead skin" feeling; it really wakes me up and gets me ready to face the day. It truly comforts me to know that someone else's blackheads are now clogging MY pores. Mmmm....It's like a fresh spring day .............

Clocks

2007-05-01T09:45:00.000-04:00

I had a thought while in the shower this morning (and no it wasn't "How did I get so stanky"). I was thinking about the guy who built the first clock. Why did he opt for a dual 12 hour time scheme instead of a 24 hour one? A day has 24 hours right? The military uses the 24 hour format as not to confuse one in the morning with one in the afternoon. It just makes sense; one in the afternoon IS actually the 13th hour. So why would it occur to someone that we should have two One O'Clocks?

We're used to it now and it's ingrained in our psyches and our culture. But when people first started using devices to measure the passage of time, before it became second nature; why two One O'Clocks and not 13 O'clock?

Monday

2007-04-30T15:46:00.000-04:00

I discovered that I really have a soft spot for sock puppets.

Numbers

2007-04-12T16:17:00.000-04:00

Yes Yes Yes, I know I haven't posted much lately, blah blah blah..... just deal with it and move on...please.

So here's what I want to know: Since the beginning of recorded history, how many people have been born. We have a way of figuring out the current world population but I want to know how many different people have walked the Earth....

Bliss

2007-04-03T10:29:00.000-04:00

Taking a leak makes me happy because you that with a leak, there's no hidden agenda

Just a few words......

2007-03-23T13:14:00.000-04:00

OK. Here's some friendly advice so you can avoid a swift kick to the junk: If I am on the phone and obviously not anywhere near the end of the conversation; do not, I repeat DO NOT hover/lurk around my desk waiting for me to finish. Admittedly, a great number of things piss me off, this however, will get me a very special type of pissed off resulting in a verbal smack down, followed by the afore mentioned swift kick to the junk.

Have a nice day.

Thank You Eddie Izzard

2007-03-22T08:37:00.000-04:00

But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down:

Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabiata.

Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray.

Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?

Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?

Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.

Canteen Worker: Well, you'll still need a tray.

Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.

Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on.

Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.

Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This a canteen, I work here.

Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star.

Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?

Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star!

Canteen Worker: This is a star?

Darth Vader: This is a fucking star! I run it! I'm your boss.

Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?

Darth Vader: No, I'm … who is Mr. Stevens?

Canteen Worker: He's Head of Catering.

Darth Vader: I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.

Canteen Worker: Wha'?

Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I'll get a tray! Fuck it! This one's wet, and this one's wet and this one's wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first!

Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … ooo, penne all'arrabiata. That'd be very nice.

Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?

Other guy: That's Jeff Vader that is!

Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.

Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?

Darth Vader: No, Jeff … no, I run the Death Star.

Other guy: You Jeff Vader?

Darth Vader: No, I'm Darth Vader.

Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?

Darth Vader: I can't get his … no, I'm Jeff … all right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!

Other guy: Could I have your autograph?

Darth Vader: No, fuck off or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all'arrabiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!

Canteen Worker: Do you want peas with that?

Darth Vader: Peas! You don't have peas! You can't put in right in … you can't put …it doesn't work with penne! Unless you push 'em up the penne tubes and then it'd be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in.

Zen smack down...

2007-03-19T09:34:00.000-04:00

One day while addressing a crowd, a popular Zen master Bankai was being heckled by a Nichiren Buddhist priest. The priest was yelling out "I don't understand a word that you're saying!"

Bankai called out and said "Come closer and I'll explain it". The priest walked in the midst of the crowd. Bankai said "No, come closer"

The priest edged closer and Bankai said "No, closer still," until finally the priest was right next to Bankai. And Bankai said "Ah, look! How well you understand me!"

I think this is the ancient version of "How ya like me now bitch!!"

Yup

2007-03-09T15:17:00.000-05:00

Underwater Paladin says " Blub, blub, blub".

Friday

2007-03-09T15:14:00.000-05:00

There is one who, though not have eaten rice for a long time, feels no hunger. There is another who, though having eaten all day, never feels satisfied.

So Sad

2007-03-07T10:09:00.000-05:00

This just makes me cry uncontrollably.......

Just wondering

2007-03-06T08:45:00.000-05:00

So how rich do you have to be to become a collector of situations?

Ah...OK??

2007-02-27T09:49:00.000-05:00

So I had a dream the other night that Sting was going to put on a show at my Mom's house. His entire band was made up of deformed children who's instruments were designed around their deformities.

Does this mean I'm broken in some deep and disturbing way?

I do?

2007-02-20T15:32:00.000-05:00

So I was in line at Starbuck's this morning and the baristas were taking longer than usual getting peoples drinks made. The women in line ahead of me made some random comment about unusual slowness of things, to which I eagerly agreed. I mean what the hell was going on up there anyway? So we finally get up to the registers, she places her order, pays the turns to walk off to go collect her drink. She then pauses, looks at me and says "You have such sad eyes" and walks off. I said "............."

I mean what do say to that? Seriously..........

WooF Deux

2007-02-16T08:43:00.000-05:00

OH CRAP!!! .. Not this guy again! Where the fuck did he come from....

Tuesday

2007-02-13T08:53:00.000-05:00

Those who understand the Tao delight, like cats, in just sitting and watching without any goal or result in mind. But when a cat gets tired of sitting, it gets up and goes for a walk or hunts mice. It does not punish itself or compete in an endurance test as to how long it can remain immovable - unless there is some real reason for being still, such as catching a bird.

Crakle..

2007-02-09T09:28:00.000-05:00

I feel like dried leaf salad...topped with dust....and scarecrow boogers......

Um...ya....whatever

2007-02-08T09:27:00.000-05:00

Him: I've never been to the Northeast. I had absolutely no idea what to expect!!

Me: Dude, it's just a place...with.. people ya know?

To Myself: >shakes head<> what a freekin retard...

A Hero Walks Among Us

2007-02-07T09:44:00.001-05:00

There is a man in Newton MA that stands a little taller than the rest of us. He walks with a strength of purpose and gleam in his eye.

Yesterday, he achieved what many of us have dreamed of but a very few have ever realized. He has walked a path littered with the the bodies of the unworthy and has triumphed. Did you hear them? The voices of the townspeople raised in songs of praise?

What is that you say? Who is this folk hero and what did he do?

His name is Bob and he returned 991 empties to the liquor store and received $49.55 in return.

He is Bob and he is my friend.

Monday

2007-02-06T11:32:00.001-05:00

The night light is sooty -
a cold evening
of snow.

Thursday

2007-02-01T22:10:00.000-05:00

Lose your mind and come to your senses.

Wednesday

2007-01-31T23:08:00.000-05:00

Seeking the mind with the mind - is this not the greatest of all mistakes?

Tuesday

2007-01-30T22:48:00.000-05:00

A very poor, underprivileged person might think it would be wonderful to have an automobile or television set, and should he acquire them, at the beginning he would feel very happy. Now if such happiness were something permanent, it would remain forever. But it does not, it goes. After a few months, he wants to change the models. The old ones, the same objects, now cause dissatisfaction. This is the nature of change.

ARRRRRGGG!!

2007-01-29T08:38:00.000-05:00

So I tried being Katie Couric for a while and that didn't work out so well so I'm back to being me.....whatever.

I'd like to send a shout out to Paul and Tim for actually inquiring about not only my blog but my actual well being. Rumors of my demise are in fact greatly exaggerated. Thanks guys.

So now down to business:

I'm looking at him right now; my bitch of a co-worker; I'll call him.....Bruce, because that's his name and I know he doesn't read this thing or any other blog. In fact I don't think he really even knows what a blog is, and for a tech guy, that's just fucked up. But for him, it's not really unexpected. He's the only I.T. guy I know who isn't into technology (read he's not at all geeky).

So the story goes like this: Bruce and I have worked together for 6 years. He's actually a nice guy. We've always gotten along really well. He and I are the two "Windows Environment" guys on the I.T. staff. He does mainly the server side of things and I do the desktop (aka PC) side of things. Six years ago, before I worked here, he had my job. Over the last few years, the company has changed alot; going through reorg's and lay offs and as a result, we've both lost alot things we used to be responsible for. It's enough to make anyone a little nervous about job security. Bruce however has become a miserable paranoid ass about it. He's angry and bitter all the time and has become more and more reclusive. To spite that, he and I have still been getting along great....until last Thursday.

You see one of the things that has Bruce's panties in a bunch, is that when people have a tech problem the tend to come to me first. This includes both people on the floor and people in our department. This is of course some sort of evil plot on my part to push him out of a job, 'cause we all know that I'm that kind of prick right? The two HUGE fucking pieces of information that Bruce can't seem to get through his self loathing, beer addled skull is that 1.) People come see me because I actually talk to them about stuff other than their PC problems! Imagine that, I'm actually social!! I take interest in their personal lives and HEY..I actually make friends at work that I sometimes go to lunch with >GASP<. Like I said Bruce is not a bad guy at heart but when it comes to being social, he rides the short bus. When you're all grumpy and shit, people tend to avoid you...go figure. This spills over to fact number 2.) You have to interact with the guys in your department on things OTHER that work. Once a month or so a bunch of us go out for lunch and beers and he NEVER goes, he always has some lame excuse. They'll come over and shoot the shit about the latest thing Apple just came out with or the latest TV technology and I can feel Bruce across the way getting pissed cause they're talking to me and he's odd man out.

Bruce continually bitches about not feeling like "part of the team" but refuses to look in the mirror for the cause. No, instead he gets all pissy and jealous with me. Yes of course, it my fault he's a fucking misanthrope! Yes please Bruce, come on, give me that famous cold shoulder for yet another day. And please forget about the fact that I've ALWAYS tried to include you in everything that's going on, ALWAYS shared information about solutions to problems that I've worked on. Oh, and please disregard the fact that I offered to take you out for lunch on Friday, MY TREAT to let you know I'm still here for you.

It's in my nature to apologize for things, even if I'm not at fault, just to smooth things over. I frigging hate conflict. But this time, as uncomfortable as it is, I just can't do it. I'm sorry if he's pissed, I'm sorry if he's worried about his job, but this time, it's just not my fault.....

Friday

2007-01-12T10:24:00.000-05:00

Can I be you for I while..... I'm really sick of being me

Thursday

2007-01-11T15:14:00.001-05:00

"I'm not inside you
You're all around me"

Missing

2007-01-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

I really freaked out. Seriously, all joking and sarcasm aside. :

I'm really anal about keeping my watch on time, not a big deal, it's just how I am. This morning I started getting kind of hungry so I looked at my watch to see if it was around 9:30 (which is when I usually have my morning bowl of cereal); my watch said 8:55. now it definitely felt like I'd been at work longer than 45 minutes so I checked my computer time: 9:55.

Now when I left work yesterday, my watch was still on time, I didn't mess with it in any way nor did anyone else have access to it. The battery is only a couple of months old. Now if it we off by say 37 minutes or 26 minutes I'd say "Hmmm...must be slowing down." But it's off by EXACTLY one hour. WTF happened? How did I lose an hour of my life between 4:45 last night and 9:55 this morning? This is SERIOUSLY fucked up........

Tuesday

2007-01-09T08:55:00.000-05:00

Death and life are not serious alternatives.

Monday

2007-01-08T20:50:00.000-05:00

Today's post is dedicated to my Dad:

"One day Chao-chou fell down in the snow and called out, "Help! Help me up!" A monk came and lay down beside him. Chao-chou got up and walked away.

Keep it Real

2007-01-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

I saw a bumper sticker on a car this morning that read "Keep Christ in Christmas". I wasn't aware that there was a movement to change the name of the holiday to just Mas...hmmmm who knew. Or perhaps he just wants out and is suggesting that he gets replaced by Eric Estrada......

Weeezie

2006-12-28T15:11:00.000-05:00

Seriously.. WTF is it with people who insist on coming into work no matter HOW sick they are?
The guy that sits across from me comes in today with a 102 degree temp, looking like a freshly animated corps. I asked him why he bothered coming in and he said " because the kids are on vacation this week and wouldn't leave me alone." Fucking Awesome..Ya .....that's just great. Get me all infected with what ever mojo monkey finger is coursing through your veins so you can avoid the kids YOU chose to have.. Fucking Tool.......

Wednesday

2006-12-27T15:49:00.000-05:00

"Happiness is a state of mind. With physical comforts if your mind is still in a state of confusion and agitation, it is not happiness. happiness means calmness of mind."

Friday

2006-12-22T10:19:00.000-05:00

More Wag
Less Woof

Kids these days.....

2006-12-21T11:41:00.000-05:00

I was driving to work today and came up on a school bus that was boarding a bunch of kids probably no older that 5. So the last kid gets on, the red lights go dark and the bus starts on it way. After only about 100 feet, it slows and then labors to take a right turn onto a tiny little side street. After making the turn and starting up the street, I notice the sign posted at the corner, it read "Funeral Home" with a huge arrow pointing in the direction that the bus just motored off in.

So WTF is going on here? Is there an open house at the funeral home that they're on the way to? Has the mortician trade gotten so very desperate for new apprentices that they're actually trying to get kids all fired up about hanging out at the morgue? I bet they're using catch phrases like " Hey kids, who puts the FUN in FUNeral? Thats right, your friendly neighborhood mortician!!"

I'm mean come on....what happen to field trips to the petting zoo to ride the llama?

This is just too f'ing creepy....

Three Days in the Cooler !!!

2006-12-19T15:52:00.000-05:00

If they were to do a movie remake of Hogan's Heroes right now, who would you pick for the parts of:

1. Hogan
2. Col. Klink
3. Sgt Schultz
4. Cpl. LeBeau
5. Cpl. Newkirk
6. Sgt. Carter
7. Kinch
8.Gen. Burkhalter
9. Maj. Hochstetter
10.Hilda

Give me your answers and I'll give you mine......

Monday

2006-12-18T13:18:00.000-05:00

Never buy anything for your ass with the words Super, Giant or Mega in the title.........

Zap

2006-12-15T08:38:00.000-05:00

As you've no doubt noticed, haven't posted in a couple of weeks. I've been recharging my blogging batteries. I promised myself I'd never post just for the sake of posting. I'd been feeling like my brain was hip deep in toxic chocolate pudding and I couldn't think to save my butt. So I decided to take a little brake. I've also decided that even if I don't have anything to rant about, I'm still going to at least post a "Thought for the Day" . So as of Monday, I'm back in full effect Yo!

Till then I leave you with this:

"Jacques, Jacques, Jacques Cousteau, how deep can that frog man go? "

Or Maybe

2006-12-01T10:26:00.000-05:00

What do you think the people at the company that makes these are thinking on any given day?

I think I need to wear one of these to work and run around on all fours yelling " I SMELL BACON!! It's BACON!!"

Creepy

2006-11-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

I ...
I wear the ostrich mask ...
I wear the ostrich mask and chase you around the room.

Hmmm

2006-11-29T12:56:00.000-05:00

A mall Santa smiled, waved and said hello to me at lunch today. I actually made me feel really good. Maybe I'm not as much of a misanthrope as I though.......

2006-11-28T10:36:00.000-05:00

Ya...I'm still here....I just don't have anything worth saying.

Well do you....

2006-11-20T22:29:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know or remember Thayer Zader?

The Two

2006-11-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

Two things I really hate have visited me this morning:

A) Jingles. These are just an evil perversion of music written by once proud musicians who have been stripped of they're souls by the corporate machine and turned into musak writing zombies; twisting the easily remembered, sing song nature of simple, nursery rhyme like songs into invasive, virus like melodies that bore into our brain like the tiny worms in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan that were put in Chekov and Capt. Terrell's ears.

The worst ones are for cheezy local used car dealerships who are evil in their own right and just compound their evilousity by bombarding us with mindless, low budget radio ads backed with insipid jingles. FUCK!!

Maybe the jingles do make you remember their product or whatever; but how I ask you, HOW does it help them sell anything when hearing their jingle just pisses you off and makes you change the station?

2)The other thing: Warm Toilet Seats. These are not evil (well not that I know of anyway) but just give me the major wig. I'm not talking about something like this mind you. I mean one that has been preheated by someone else's bum just moments ago. I just f'ing hate myself when I make the bad call at take the freshly used stall. GAHHHHHHH!!!! Now I need a flipping shower......

Reversal of Fortune

2006-11-12T10:59:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I guess a day can make a difference. Yesterday was another beautiful day in the sixties so I went out for a nice 30 mile ride with a friend. I felt awesome. It was on of those fantastic rock star rides where body and bike were in sync and I felt like I could go forever. The slug, for now, is back under the covers, waiting for some future 7AM to come creeping out....

Me

2006-11-10T09:43:00.000-05:00

I want to say this now for the official record (where ever that may actually be): I'm a complete asshole. There I said it. Here it is, one of the last days of the year, sunny, over sixty degrees and I decide NOT to bring my bike with me to work today. I was going to go out today..really I had every intention of riding at lunch today. But I got up this morning and said "ahhhh..fuck it." I just could muster the will power to pack up all my crap and load it in the truck.

I suck, I'm such a frigging slug, a soft mushy mushy slug......

Truth

2006-11-09T08:53:00.000-05:00

The sand castle gets washed away, that will never change...

Tuesday

2006-11-07T23:35:00.000-05:00

"I wish I was a turtle from Galapagos
Or a span of geological time."

Monday

2006-11-06T10:46:00.000-05:00

"Time is a spiral, Space is a curve
I know you get dizzy
But try not to lose your nerve"

Prophet of the Pump

2006-11-03T08:49:00.000-05:00

So I was pumping gas yesterday on the way home from work and saw this wonderful and informative sign posted on the pump. Curious as to its' inner meaning I had to take a picture so as to ponder and meditate on it it.

What exactly ARE they going for here? Are they saying that customers should be more polite and say please and thank you? OK, not bad advice really. Are they begging for more patrons as in " More Customers, PLEASE!! ahem..thank you"?

I think it is so simple that it's infinitely complex and beyond me feeble grasp......

Thursday

2006-11-02T10:22:00.000-05:00

Nobody runs in a weightless world

2006-10-30T09:03:00.000-05:00

I wish it was a rainy day today and I have no idea why. It's a beautiful sunny fall day, I not particularly bummed out or anything. But I was getting my coffee in the kitchen at work about an hour ago, the sun shining brightly in through the windows and I thought,"man, I wish it wasn't sunny, to bad it's not raining."

I guess this is just more proof of what a subterranean nut job I am......

So How do you Really Feel?

2006-10-27T11:00:00.000-04:00

I'm bitter as old coffee grounds, bitter as bitter bitter lemon, bitter as over hopped warm bear, bitter as muffins with no sugar bitter as moose hooves on asphalt , bitter as a chain smoking dog with emphysema that lives in a nuclear submarine, bitter as a Freska douche, bitter as someone who's really bitter for no reason.

Tell it like it is...

2006-10-25T16:02:00.000-04:00

Perspective is everything when you come right down to it. It always entertaining to see how you, or in this case, how something you created looks through someone else's eyes. Here are some comments posted, reviewing my bands song "Pop Song 32" on RedFizz:

'

Pop Song

By Under Adams

Rejection Reason: Tepid

Battle Win Record: 20%

Average Rating: [5 Votes, 2.2 Stars]

Link to this Song

Download MP3

Pop-Up Player

Comments

Lyrics & Song Info

Post Comment / Rate Song

mikebritt [10/16/2006 4:37:49 AM EST]

Rated

mikebritt [10/16/2006 4:37:42 AM EST]

this mix job is really by the book. judging by the drum sound, i'd guess the engineer was over thirty years of age.

the vocals are good, the keyboard level is fine.. the guitar amp is really terrible and the bass is out of tune...

but the vocals are good

Mr. Bratty [10/13/2006 10:19:11 PM EST]

Rated

this is fairly good, i'd say. i like the energy. crank that keyboard a little more, put some stank on it. there's some good playing and singing on this. really good singing! reminds me a little of kim wilde.

aaronlife [10/12/2006 11:39:49 PM EST]

i have a weakness for female singers, but this is good regardless, if someone told me this was a bootleg of some famous band, i'd see no reason to question it.

sedrite [10/12/2006 3:57:38 PM EST]

Rated

ScottT [10/12/2006 3:55:29 PM EST]

Rated

jfuchs [10/12/2006 3:21:37 PM EST]

Rated

The band is tight enough, hate the keyboard solo pretty badly...wait...oh...braaaaaakk....I just puked all over my computer. Excuse me, I have to clean it off. Half a star for the attempt. Under Adams DID record this song.

sedrite [10/12/2006 4:00:00 AM EST]

I dig Natalie Merchant and The Go-Gos too. Lots of surging in the BPM in that band though...

meatball [10/12/2006 4:00:00 AM EST]

my brain hurts.

ScottT [10/12/2006 4:00:00 AM EST]

I like this better than the previous one you posted.

Well Why?

2006-10-18T15:55:00.000-04:00

Why would someone wear a wig that's so heinously wiggy that your forced to say" That's one nasty wig!"

Cough, Cough, Hack, Bleck....

2006-10-17T12:25:00.000-04:00

Ughhhh......I think my craptastic mini van is trying to kill me. I think it knows that it's days are numbered and will try anything to avoid its ultimate fate. I've had exhaust problems for a while, well actually the van has, not me, my exhaust is just fine thank you. The Van's been really sneeky though, making the leak worse so gradually that I don't notice, slowly letting me get used to more and more exhaust fumes 'till finally one day, I'm so brain damaged that I forget to sell it and buy a real car. At this point I think it's smarter than me...

Hehehe

2006-10-11T15:39:00.000-04:00

You gotta love the driver of a Hummer H2 who got the license plate "GIVEMEA".

I guess I have sand in my vagina

2006-10-09T09:04:00.000-04:00

Have you every flipped of someone on the road because of the bumper sticker on their car? I did this weekend. Yup. This isn't something I go around doing all the time, but I was feeling a little pissy and seeing the "One Man + One Woman = Marriage" narrow minded bullshit sticker just set me right the fuck off. I'm sure the snot nosed suburban soccer mom had no clue why I was seething at her, but tough shit; you go around wearing your opinions on your car, you get what you get. Sure, she has the right to express her opinion if she wants. But so do I and mine is "FUCK YOU..YOU SUCK!"

R.I.P My Beloved 4 String Friend

2006-10-03T09:27:00.000-04:00

The sickening slap of wood and metal against concrete is still ringing in my head.

I just stared in disbelief. There it was; my beautiful custom Warwick Thumb Bass lying face down on the floor. It's neck broken, snapped at the headstock.

It was my own stupidity that had caused this tragedy. As I was putting it away in it's gig bag after practice last night, I got distracted by conversation, and a strong need to pee. When I got back from doing my business and slung the bag over my shoulder to leave with the rest of the band, I didn't realize that I hadn't zipped the bag up and my bass flew out at full force.

It hard to describe the personal connection one makes with their instrument. It's more than a valuable possession. It be comes part of you. It the conduit through which imagiation and emotion become real.

I've had this Bass since February 14 of 1991. We've been trough alot together. I bought it from my first real bass teacher and good friend Jac Kulp one of the best Bassists on the planet (who has since vanished of the face of the Earth)

So now I don't know what I'm going to do. My home owners insurance won't cover it and I don't have $4,000 to replace it. I'm thinking of contacting Warwick in Germany to see if there is ANY way to fix it, but I really don't think there is.....

You Saw What?

2006-09-29T09:14:00.000-04:00

So I'm out on the bike yesterday getting in some fall miles. I cranking up route 28 heading towards Andover Center. Up ahead, on the opposite side of the road, I see a gaggle of people with back packs walking towards me. My first thought is "Hmmm...School bus must have just dropped them off", to spite the fact that there was no bus to be seen. As, I get closer, I realize "Hey, they're not school kids; they're freekin MONKS!" That's right, monks. Long robes, bald, big bushy Moses beards and back packs....And all of them no older than their mid-twenties.

Is this some kind of weird, end-of -days crap that there are monks wondering around suburbia? or am I trapped in a mordern day remake of Kung Fu?

Help

2006-09-26T18:02:00.000-04:00

Since I'm on vacation this week, would someone mind getting mid 80's Whitney Houston the fuck out of my head please? Thanks......

The Ugly Truth

2006-09-20T08:16:00.000-04:00

So once again I'm cruising into work, I'm in the middle lane and I come up on this beautiful new Range Rover Sport in the right lane. It's black, sleek and spotlessly clean. As I start to pull up along side, I can see it's being driven an extremely attractive woman in her late 20's; beautiful cheek bones, a sheet of bone strait blonde hair blunt cut at her shoulders, impeccably applied makeup . She extends here perfectly manicured left index finger as if she were going to turn to me and beckon me closer, the proceeds to jam it up her left nostril and mine for nose gold..JEEEEEZZZZUUUUS!!! I just stared in disbelief for a second, slightly disillusioned, then burst out laughing...

OK Listen, Just because you have tinted windows on your $70,000 SUV, doesn't mean you are FUCKING INVISIBLE!!

Also, If you are a woman with REALLY thin hair, like need to start rockin' the Rogaine thin, a convertible should probably not be the vehicle of choice for you...I'm just sayin'......

Get Over It

2006-09-19T09:12:00.000-04:00

Why Why Why!!?? Why do some people STILL have issues with wearing white after Labor Day? Have we not evolved past this in this modern age of fashion? Don't we owe it to ourselves to be free in a world where we were what we want without the chains of some out dated, outmoded, arcane standard. Let's evolve people!!

It's not 1920 any more and we don't all have a summer home in the Hamptons! And don't start on me with the "It's ok to wear winter white but not summer white" drivel. Break your fashion chains! Move into the 21st century ! Strike a fucking pose and flip off the man!!

You want to see white after Labor Day? I'll give you white after Labor Day...I'm wearing my buttless chaps tomorrow....

The Good The Bad and The Grumpy

2006-09-18T10:22:00.000-04:00

I wish I had something clever or snarky to write today. I don't....I just don't. You see the Idea Faerie and the Clavicle Faerie had a nasty fight last night and sorry to say the Idea Faerie didn't fare too well. So now I'm stuck having to think of things on my own. You can see how well THAT'S going.

Maybe someone will take me out to Starbuck's today and make everything OK...

Ya right, or maybe monkeys will fly out my butt, award me the Nobel Prize for scuba diving and then crown me King of Oblivia....

Friday

2006-09-15T15:49:00.000-04:00

It's Friday.

Talking Feet

2006-09-12T09:15:00.000-04:00

Reality check: Personally, I think you can tell a whole lot about a person by their shoes, am I wrong? For instance; if I saw someone wearing the shoes on the left,
I would say they're super cool and funky fresh. But the shoes on the right, I would say "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" Total dud round.

So am I right on this?

We Rocked the 80's

2006-09-08T09:24:00.000-04:00

(PunkAss(L), Mike "Bic" Bistany(Center) Jack Parsons(R) )

My friend Jack dug up this fucking awesome picture of us and brought it down to practice the other night. I nearly pissed myself laughing! Look at all the f'ing great 80's accessories; the hand cuff belt, the wrist bands, the eye liner! Fucking precious!
Ah yes...The year was 1985; The band was The Origin and we were masters of the metal scene in Salem NH. As we walked the streets, the people would throw rose pedals at our feet and the teen age girls would swoon and spontaneously tare off their clothes and shower us with their panties. Oh to be 19 and a metal god! LOL.....

Seriously though, of all the bands that were around playing at the time, we were one of the only ones doing mostly our own music and developed quite a good reputation and following as a result.

We've all gone on to play in many other bands in the years since, but we'll always cherish those heady days of head banging bliss....

It's My Birthday and I'll Blog If I want to....

2006-09-06T09:43:00.000-04:00

Damn, I can't believe it's my Birthday again. Not a major mile stone like last year but hey that's ok, I love my Birthday anyway. What's that picture? Who's that handsome devil you ask? Yup, that's my High School yearbook photo LOL.. A skinny 125lb, super geeky, 17 year old Punk Ass! God so much has changed since then; yet somehow, in some ways nothing has changed, you know what I mean?

Anyway, Its' my Birthday so stop by my office for a celebratory shot of Parton.....

(This post sponsored by Sleeptrain Mattress Center)

Grumble

2006-09-05T16:24:00.000-04:00

Back to work after vacation....grumble, mumble grumble...

Friday

2006-09-01T08:59:00.000-04:00

I think I've lost the will to floss.......

It makes me kinda sad

2006-08-30T12:01:00.000-04:00

I'm on vacation this week so don't expect alot out of me. Not that you do normally; I'm just sayin'......

Anyway, In my travels, I went past the house I grew up in. My Mom sold it about 5 years back and I've missed being able to go there ever since. Some how, it just doesn't seem right, other people living there. When I drove by the other day, I saw that the new owners had torn half the second story off. The rest of the house looks like it's been gutted down to the studs. So gone now is the place where I decided to become a musician, the place where I wrote my first song, the place where I lost my virginity and the place where I suffered my first heartbreak.

But time goes on, change flows and sweeps us along. It's OK. It just makes me a little sad.

Get With The Program

2006-08-25T09:05:00.000-04:00

When I got home from work last night, I was greeted by a piece of white paper stuffed in the screen of my back door. I pulled it out figuring it was some political flyer or some such trash but alas no; it was a friendly notice from my local water department, two lines sloppily run over in yellow highliter informing me "Reading being estimated. YOUR WATER WILL BE TERMINATED IF WE CAN NOT GET INTO READ THE METER WITHIN 7 DAYS. Call for meter reading appointment. 978.794.5770."

These freeking pin heads come to the house between 9 and 5 on a week day and they expect that someone is actually going to be home to let them in to read their precious meter? WTF? These bozos are truly the troglodytes of the utilities world. I mean come on, the electric company is smart enough to have their meter on the OUTSIDE of the house so the can access it whenever they want. SMART! The gas company's meter has the ability to be accessed through the phone line so the can get a reading whenever they want. BRILLIANT! But the fucking Neanderthals at the water company are still stuck in the 50's expecting the "little lady" is going to be home baking bundt cake in her polka dot house dress and apron, so they don't need any of that modern nonsense, fuck no!

Losers........

Oh BTW, new PunkAss Poll is up, make yourself useful and go vote......

Don't Fear the Butt

2006-08-22T09:18:00.000-04:00

Why are we in America so afraid of adult butts but not baby butts? Like every time there's a news story about cops chasing some drunken naked criminal, they have to make his naked butt all blocky? Yet somehow it's fine to show a bunch of naked baby butts in a diaper ad? This just seems backwards and twisted to me. I mean if someone is running around all naked and shit in public, they obviously want to show off their butts, so let us see that if we want to; it's obviously ok with them, right?
Baby butts - I really don't need that shoved in my face while I'm trying to watch an episode of Rockstar Supernova; it just totally harshes my buzz ya know?

So if they're blocking out adult butts because they think people may some how find them offensive, how are baby butts any different? Still human butts just smaller right? Fucking double standards man!

NO

2006-08-18T16:07:00.000-04:00

One is the loneliest number? Bullshit! Zero, Zero is the loneliest.....

My New Job

2006-08-17T09:53:00.000-04:00

There's something that I've been searching for since I was little and I think I've finally found it. That something is the answer to the question,"What do you want to be when you grow up?". It's not what I expected either.

Think back, If you've ever asked yourself this question, have you noticed how the answer (or options) has changed over time? At 5 I wanted to be a garbage man ( If you're gonna dream, dream big right?) At 10 I wanted to be a commando (and no I don't mean just some guy running around with pants and no underwear). At 20 I wanted to be a rock star, life took an Acme(tm) anvil to the Wiley Coyote of that dream.

So here's what I've decided now. I want to be a tour guide for time travelers. Yup you heard that right. Think about it. If time travel is ever going to be possible, it's already being done; because our present is someone else's past. I'm sure once the technology get's perfected, businesses will spring up around it..like time tourism! Wouldn't it be a cool vacation to be able to go visit your favourite historical period and get a tour from someone who actually lives there and get their perspective on things? So I want to be the representative from this era. I can give tourists the low down on all the pop culture icons of our time, let them know that the fall of western civilization was the fault of country music and NASCAR and that yes I was infact the man who lobbied for a national day of mourning for the break up of Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow.

This is gonna be soooo much fun!

"My my my it's a beautiful world, I like swimmin' in the sea...."